im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
