Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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