What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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