There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
