I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
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Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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