my phone needs a breathalizer
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
