im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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