dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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