i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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