Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
