just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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