i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
