He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
