Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
