between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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