My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
