I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
