had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There's always time for handjobs
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
