turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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