i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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