I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
now i know why i became what i already was.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
