Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
