Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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