I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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