You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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