do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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