Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
