A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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