i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
