Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
