so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
