There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
where are my eyebrows?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
