I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
