I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
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Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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