Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
