I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
