The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
