If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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