Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
