apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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