I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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