There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
