I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
