youre lurking in front of me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
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TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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