Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
