I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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