A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
