He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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