she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
