she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
