the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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