i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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