Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
