I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
