My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
