apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
