and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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