I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
