Taylor Swift is so right about you.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
